Thursday, March 10, 2016

The "Badder" One & The Easter Bunny

I was having one of those nights the other night.  You know the kind I'm talking about, the kind where you're counting down the nano seconds until your children go to bed but they emerge from their rooms 42 times for a wide variety of ridiculous reasons.  The later it gets, the more combative they become about going to sleep.  In fact, if your kids are like mine, they may even insist that they aren't tired and can't sleep even though you know damn well that they are overtired and that's why they're acting like miniature crazy people.  One thing I've learned is never to say "You're overtired."  That rarely goes well at my house.  A wild accusation, I know.  How dare I spew such blatant lies.  It's like the equivalent of calling a woman crazy. 

I eventually stopped responding to their never ending "MOM!!!" calls and retreated to my own bed.  Exactly 12 seconds went by before the first little terrorist showed up at my bedside.  "Mommy, you forgot to put both arms around me when you hugged me." Hmmmm... seems like a valid reason to emerge from your room yet AGAIN! 

As my 4 year old proceeded to climb into my bed, my 8 year old entered the room. "Hey, why is he out of his room?"  I always like to answer a question with a question in this scenario because it really seems to piss my son off {and let's be honest, that's a small victory after the sh*t they put me through on this particular evening}.  "Why are you out of your room?" I asked.  He wasn't amused and he gave me "the look."  Mission accomplished!

As I started to deliver my "You two are driving me bananas..." speech, Austin chimed in and said, "I know what you're going to say.  The Easter Bunny is coming soon and if we're not good he's not going to bring us Easter baskets."  I wasn't actually going to use the Easter Bunny thing but since he mentioned it, it seemed like I should just go with it.  My brain must have stalled longer than usual because before I was able to agree or disagree, Jayden said "Just like Santa Austin.  If I be bad then I won't get anything."  Maybe I didn't even need to speak?  Maybe I should just roll over and fall asleep while they continued to sort this out on their own? As I started to dream about the possibility of sleep, Austin came out with this gem... "No way Jayden!  I was badder than you and I still got presents from Santa" Then he paused and it seemed like a little light bulb went on in his perfectly round noggin. "Wait, you got a lot more presents than me.  Maybe we should go to bed so we both get the same amount of stuff from the Easter Bunny."  

I heard a thud.   

My 4 year old jumped off the bed.

What the hell??  Was I already asleep?  Was this a dream? Did they actually just sort this out themselves and leave my room? If every square inch of my body didn't already hurt from my recent reunion with the gym, I would have pinched myself.  Austin just admitted he was the "badder" one and they both left. #WINNING

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The [Re]Birth

Hi. Hey. Hello.

I'm not even going to attempt to make an excuse as to why I haven't blogged for two years.  I was contemplating coming up with some elaborate story about how the kids tied me up in the basement, took away my iPhone, and attempted to force me into some type of normal, less embarrassing existence but then I remembered I'm Facebook friends with some of you so that obviously wouldn't work.  Damn it.  So let's just call it what it is - Life.  I got busy. Really busy apparently.

Austin was in Kindergarten the last time I blogged.  And he was trouble.  The fact that his teacher didn't retire after the group of kids she had that year is a miracle. For those of you who remember what a hard time he was having behavior wise that year, it never improved. {lol} I can laugh about it now because it was so long ago.  I really don't know how I survived that year.

Fast forward to 1st grade.  Austin's teacher was AMAZING!  She was so patient with him and really encouraged him to find himself.  Everything was going really well!  Then he got detention.  Yes, I said detention. 1st grade. How I managed to get through 12 years of school without having detention and yet this kid couldn't get through 1st grade without one was simply baffling to me.  I honestly had no idea you could get detention when you're 7 but low and behold - you can! #GOALS  Much to my dismay, his pink slip wasn't one of those neat carbon copy forms from 1988 so I couldn't save a copy in his baby book.  Thank god I decided to blog again so we have proof of this joyous event 20 years from now when I'm too old and senile to accurately recall the details of what happened. Is being unable to figure out which kid you're yelling at a sign of dementia or senility?  If so, I'm screwed. I've already resorted to addressing them as "whichever one you are." And for those of you who are new to my blog, let the record show that I only have 2 children {and still can't keep them straight}.

What else exciting has happened?  Oh right, yes... my cat became a diabetic.  Remember all those jokes I used to make about how it's a miracle I'm able to keep two children alive? Well the cat almost met sudden death due to my amazing mothering skills.  He started losing weight like crazy so I thought the end was near. {cue dramatic music}  He beat cat cancer back in 2012 so I figured his 9th life was about to expire.  I took him to the vet like a concerned cat-loving mom only to find out that he was diabetic and the batteries in his automatic feeder had gone dead.  He was dying all right - of starvation.  I felt awful.  He recovered just fine and now requires insulin injections twice a day.  I try to be more diligent about making sure his feeder is, in fact, feeding him.

A funny little side note here... there are two things that inevitably always make me feel like an intravenous drug user: picking up my cat's syringes at the pharmacy and using the CoinStar machine to turn my change into cash that doesn't weigh 40lbs.  Which reminds me of that one very embarrassing time that the CoinStar machine jammed after I entrusted it to sort my change without incident.  Imagine my shock when the nice gentleman at the bank pulled a bullet from the machine and asked me if it was mine.  Fun times!

If you've been following me on Facebook or Instagram, you know that there has been no shortage of Austinisms during my little siesta here.  Just last week he tried to extort a cash settlement out of me in exchange for his silence about the fact that I found $100 on the sidewalk.  He asked for half but we settled on $25 with the understanding that if he ratted me out to his brother, he would have to split his $25 with Jayden.  I'm learning that I need to stay a step ahead of that one, especially when money is involved.

So there you have it - Austin is 8, missing half his teeth, navigating his way through 2nd grade pretty successfully, and enjoys antagonizing his brother.  Jayden is 4, practically the same weight as Austin, does not enjoy or partake in human interaction before 9am, and is in love with Peppa Pig.

I'm back and ready to blog about all the crazy sh!t that happens in my life on a day to day basis.  I still maintain that my life would make good reality TV, but I've yet to sell that idea to anyone. ;)